ohsnapitshaylz

Here is the supposed recipe for Ana:

Recipe: Anorexia
Servings: One
Note: The recipe you are about to make is an acquired taste.

Ingredients:
1 cup low self-esteem
2 cup self-control
3/4 cup determination
1 1/2 strength
2/3 cup solitude
2 Tbsp routine
3 Tbsp secrecy and lies
2 tsp jealousy
3 tsp guilt
a dash of anger
and 1/2 cup tears (optional)

Directions:
Combine all ingredients and mix in a fragile soul.
Beat until all feeling is gone.
Place in a shallow bowl and serve with a tall glass of Diet coke.
Dish is ready to enjoy - guaranteed to disappear right before your eyes!!


credit to Fading Obsession : http://www.fading-obsession.com/religion/ana-recipe.php

I'll admit it - when I began the road of anorexia three years ago, I was a bit of a fake - it started with me just wanting to lose weight and fasting seemed like the quickest way. But now, after all of that time, it has changed into so much more. Every minute I am thinking about something about the way my body looks or my weight, or my food consumption or exercise, or what muscles I should flex or suck in to make myself appear smaller. When I try to stop, I immediately binge and binge and gain stomach fat and immediately regret it and spend the next four days thinking of how to get myself smaller and smaller and punish myself for my binges. Every time I am by a mirror I lift my shirt to examine the size of my stomach; even in dance I always turn to the side to see how wide my stomach looks. I take pills upon pills - laxatives, metabolism boosters, everything - to try to create the self that I want. In reality, it's all for nothing, because at one point I will binge again and then this whole process will start over - I'll never be the self that I want to be. I will always be a fat, disgusting, exhausted, failure of a nobody. That is how I see myself, and that is most likely how I will always see me. Anorexia really is a disease - it never stops.

 I haven't posted my food intakes for a while, but today here's all I've had, which my mom made me have:
Hot Chocolate (I'll guess about 300 cals)
2 Dark Chocolate Malt Balls (37.5 cals each)
Total so far ≈ 375

Not too bad, especially considering the fact that the hot chocolate was liquid and not like actual solid food.
For dinner I'm not sure what I'll end up having, but I'll post it once I know.

Thinspo later if I have time, for now homework.

xoxo

 So, it's been.. What, a week, since I've been on. Been doing pretty good actually(:
B: Hot Chocolate
L: Tuna - Subway
Subway Cookie :/
D: Grande Nonfat Hot Chocolate (Starbucks)
Strawberry Blueberry Parfait

Well. If I didn't have the cookie and the hot chocolate for breakfast it would have been a better day, but this was still a good one.
Even better tomorrow though!(:

W: 24.5 in
H: 34 in
B: 33 in

OMG It feels like it has been forever since I was last on. And it has - 3 days!!! What have I been doing??
Well here's what I had today:
Starbucks Grande Hot Chocolate = 370 cals
Starbucks Strawberry/Blueberry Parfait = 244 cals
Starbucks Tall Hot Chocolate = 290 cals
Starbucks Strawberry/Blueberry Parfait = 244 cals
so far.. = 1148 ):
I'll probably have some pasta with maybe salmon or something a bit later for dinner.. Say, maybe an hour. I'm not sure the exact amount of cals so I'll just go with 650 just to be safe. Yes, I am aware that I am consuming too many calories. I do not know what happened to me today. On the bright side I was eating healthy, no binging.. It wouldn't have been that bad if I hadn't have had TWO hot chocolates.. Oh well, that's my lesson for the day. So tomorrow I already have a plan:
No breakfast.
L: Jimmy Johns (615 cals) [high in cals but totally worth it cause very filling and healthy]
D: Maybe some kind of seafood, like 200 cals?
Hopefully that should work out alright.
I really miss my kashi bars. ): Cry cry cry

Went to urgent care this morning because I almost fainted. I turned blue, I felt very weak, and had a shortness of breath. I was terrified. Luckily I guess it was just related to a virus mixed with this dancers' syndrome where I guess we just randomly get fainting spells once in a while and after resting we feel better. However, I did get to get weighed while I was at the doctor and even though I had a big heavy sweatshirt on as well as my shoes I was at 109.6. Secretly to myself, it seemed that once I ate something I started to feel better.. So I will have to start eating healthier. I am going to start eating with the exchange system and go by this list. I read about it in my book Diet for Dancers and it was the suggested diet for a dancer, of which I really need. So I'll do a few weeks on this and see how it goes(:
The list in my book is longer but I think I'll print that list above out just for a simple guide. Here's how it works -
On a 1000 kcal diet, I want 3.5 servings of starch, 2.5 servings of Lean meat, 5 servings of vegetables, 2.5 servings of fruit, 2 servings of skim milk, and 3 servings of fat.
I know that 1000 kcals is a lot, but after today I think it would be good to at least try to follow this diet.
Here's what I've had so far after this horrifying experience:
2 strawberry Kashi bars = 220 kcals
Part of a Propel = 15 kcals
Gatorade (ew, but my mom made me drink it cause it had electrodes??) = 80 kcals
2 small bags of Chips Ahoy from vending machine = 540 kcals
Jimmy John's Turkey Sandwich = 615 kcals
Total = 1470
Ugh that is so horrible compared to how well I've been doing lately. :( However luckily except for the gatorade and the Chips Ahoy none of it is really fattening it's more healthy stuff so I should be okay.. Maybe I'll just take a relaxing day though for once and give in to this ice cream craving I've been having for the past week or so.
Hmmm.... I really have no idea what I'm gonna do. Tomorrow I'll probably just play it by ear and if I feel weak again then I'll just feed myself to make myself feel better but if I have a good amount of energy then I'll cut back more.

Ahhh so proud of myself(:
Here's what I had today:
B/L: Gerber Jar Apples and Summer Peaches = 60 cals
D: 1 piece swordfish = 164 cals
1 bottle Propel = 25 cals
Total = 249(:

I'm hoping tomorrow will be just as good.
Then Monday we'll see, 'cause I have 3 hrs of dance, but it will still be good(:

Ahhh! Thinspo coming up! Yay! One day closer to finally achieving what I want to look like(:
Watching Center Stage is thinspirational enough though, but oh well, there's never enough thinspiration(:

Yay, once again I did pretty good today(: I even resisted my "favorite" binge food, ice cream. Yay!
Here's what I had-
1 small pack of Gerber Strawberry and Banana = 50 cals
Propel = 25 cals
2 oz Top Beef Sirloin =  105 cals
Propel = 25 cals
Strawberry Kashi bar = 110 cals
Propel = 25 cals
Strawberry Kashi bar = 110 cals
Tuna salad from whole foods (not sure the exact amount of cals so just to be safe an estimation of..) = 250 cals
Total = 700 cals

Not too bad..

However I did have about 2 1/2 hrs of dance at this audition I was at which went quite well, I hope I got in! So that probably burned off a lot of the cals that I consumed as well.

Good day, I'd say(:
But tomorrow will be better hopefully.

 http://www.askmen.com/top_10/celebrity/top-10-hype-worthy-2009-models_1.html

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 I haven't been on in a few days.. I haven't been doing very well.
Even today I did not do exceedingly well but at least i managed to keep it in control.
Hot Chocolate - Starbucks - 290 cals
1 cup of Macaroni and Cheese - Stouffer's - 350 cals :(
Kashi Strawberry Cereal Bar - 110 cals [my new meal of the day I think (: ]
Propel - 25 cals
Total = 775

That is disappointing, but I need to take small steps so that I don't binge. This week 900 cals max, Next 700, then 600, then two weeks of 500, then get down to 300 - 400 for a while hopefully. But I think that I found my new secret food, the Kashi cereal bar (: 110 cals and it's like a bunch of whole wheat plus real fruit. That's my lunch for tomorrow I know it!!(:

So tomorrow I have school.. No breakfast (of which that would normally only consist of hot chocolate), unless maybe it is very very cold out or something and I need to get some. For lunch I will have the Kashi bar (110 cals) with some Aquafina flavored water (0 cals). After school I will have some more flavored water (0 cals.) If I must have dinner I will have half of a Lean Cuisine's Macaroni and Cheese (145 cals) along with a bottle of propel (25 cals) to total up to 280 if I don't have the hot chocolate or 570 if I do. I will simply keep in mind the fact that 280 is much better than 570, especially because those extra 290 cals would only last for about 20 mins, and are simply extra calories that I do not need.

From tomorrow until at least into Wednesday I am going to do a liquid fast.
Water, coffee, and juice are the only things I can consume without destroying my fast.
I am soo excited. I had better get to bed soon though so that I have enough rest and energy that does not need to be provided by food.
Thursday is my weigh-in! I hope I'll at least be lower than 112, cannot wait(: I'll have to go to the gym that day and I'll maybe run on the elliptical too? Ahh I'm soo excited(:
It feels so good to be in a good mood after all the hell I've been through lately. I'm so glad to finally be focusing on myself again.
Good night everyone, here's my daily inspiration: (:

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 However, for the past two days I've had some issues (personal issues, specifically related to a boy.) and when I get stressed, I binge. I had been doing very good for the two days before that but anyways I had lots of ice cream yesterday and some the day before.. So obviously I ruined my ABC. :(
However, I am going to fast today. Or at max have 150 cals.
Then we will see what happens tomorrow, I think I will just have some fruit from the grocery store near my school for lunch.
I'm gonna post some thinspo!!!!!!!(:
It's always so thinspiring(:

Today's max = 500 cals
 I did such a great job today not a bite of food passed my lips until tonight when my mom forced me to have some Macaroni and Cheese. I only had part of it; somewhere between half and 2/3. So that is somewhere between 360 and 480 cals. Gross, but still within the limits. Luckily once my mom calms down her force-feeding isn't too forceful.

 Yesterday I did so amazing not a bite of food passed these lips. 0 cals for the day, woohoo! :D I'm happy about that.

However, today I totally ruined it. Here's what I had:
Ghiradelli Hot Chocolate (including whole milk, yuck :( ) = 290
Half of a 6 in. Tuna sub from subway = 320 cals
Cookie from Subway = 90
Cookie from convenient store by my school = guessing around 120?
More hot chocolate (Starbucks) = 290
Strawberries with chocolate sauce = 104
total so far =924

Complete fail. Now my mom is making me have dinner. AND I have to go to my friend's after we have dance tonight so I'll probably have to eat there.
Luckily I had Jazz for 80 mins today, Tap for 80 mins, and will have Lyrical for an hour tonight.
I will have burned approximately if not more 705 cals by the end of the day.
Hopefully I'll work off some of it.
Ugh. Complete fail. Feel so disgusting. Ugh. Will update at the end of the night or at least on my Jaiku if I have anything else. Ahhh I did so good yesterday I cannot believe that I ruined it like this.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. I think tonight I will plan what I'll have for lunch tomorrow so that I'm not blind-sighted again.
Be back later.